It’s Malcolm Bean’s 18th birthday. Or so he says. Malcolm Bean is a liar. He can’t help himself. If such a civic post existed Malcolm would be the ‘Town Liar’ and would visit other towns up and down the country to compete in Town Lying competitions. He would wear a long robe trimmed with ermine and a tri-corner hat. Around his neck he would proudly sport the town badge on a gold chain. And then, with the pride of his town at stake, he would tell enormous fibs, whopping lies,stinking porkies. And he would probably win – because he is good.
Below is a list of some of Malcolm’s most notable lies:
That in the fifth year at secondary school he was going out with Miss Clark, the Spanish teacher
That whilst working as an archaeologist (aged 14) he uncovered a haul of Saxon treasure
That he worked for M15 during the Falklands War passing on information about possible Argentine sympathisers in South Shropshire
That he owns the family home but lets his parents live there for a peppercorn rent (and all his meals)
That he has competed in every London Marathon since it started in 1981
That he writes a column for Punch magazine
That he co-designed the Sinclair C5 with Sir Clive
That he donated one of his kidneys to save the life of his younger sister
That he is quite closely related to the Royal Family but isn’t allowed to talk about it
That he writes for Alias Smith and Jones
That he has a commercial pilot’s license
Anyway … he is hosting a party at the Starline Club but only Andrew and Aaron have turned up because no-one else believed him
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